The Advice Columnist
by Frenchie-chan
Summary: Renji and Rukia had been engaged for almost a year. Renji had always thought that the hardest part of their romance would be confessing his feelings to Rukia. He was sorely mistaken. The hardest part would be breaking the news to Byakuya.


**Howdy!**

**Frenchie's back. God help us all. **

**I've been obsessing over 'Bleach' as of recently. As I watched the anime and read the manga, I was intrigued by the relationship between Renji and Rukia. One minute they'd be arguing, and the next they'd be talking about each other in a _lovey-dovey _fashion. How sweet. I was also intrigued by Byakuya Kuchiki. Such a mysterious character... Anyways, I was really interested to see Byakuya's reaction to finding out that his sister and his Vice Captain were a couple. Thus, this fanfic was born. (RenjixRukia + Byakuya = love!) Henceforth, I welcome you all to my first ever 'Bleach' fanfic!**

**Happy Thanksgiving, my dear readers! I love you all and wish you the best!**

**Enjoy!**

**The Advice Columnist**

Frenchie

Renji and Rukia had been engaged for almost a year. Renji had always thought that the hardest part of their romance would be confessing his feelings to was sorely mistaken.

The hardest part would be breaking the news to Byakuya.

Renji had known Rukia since they were children, scrounging around for food on the streets. They had been the lowest of the low, even lower than the rats in the sewers. Although he had at first disliked Rukia's bossy attitude, she had always had a certain elegance about her, something he had never quite been able to put his finger on.

_"We're all hungry! What kind of pathetic low-life steals from a kid?!"_

_"Renji…let's become shinigami,"_

_"The Kuchiki family has offered to adopt me as their daughter,"_

_"Thank you…Renji,"_

Despite his gruff, uncouth persona, no matter how many times he tried to push the feelings to the back of his mind, despite the number of times he had tried to convince himself otherwise, there was no denying the truth.

He loved her.

He loved everything about her; from her inner kindness to her devilish cleverness. From the way her blue eyes sparkled when she laughed, right down to her lackluster artistic ability. He loved everything about Rukia.

However, these things seldom go as planned, and there was an overwhelming obstacle the stood in Renji's way.

Byakuya Kuchiki.

Rukia's adoptive brother.

He remembered vividly the first time he had seen the formidable Captain Byakuya Kuchiki. It was several years ago, when he was still a student in the Shinigami Academy. He had just taken a grueling exam, and was ecstatic that he had passed with flying colors. He had one more test to take, and he would be a full-fledged shinigami! He had dashed across campus to tell Rukia his exciting news…

…and found her face-to-face with Captain Kuchiki.

He froze immediately. All thoughts of passing exams were instantly forgotten. He stood, gazing openmouthed at the man before him.

He was a peculiar looking man. He had a completely emotionless expression and very cold eyes. He had a long, expensive-looking scarf wrapped around his neck and wore captain's robes. His long black hair was fastened to his head with **kenseikan, a series** odd hair clamps. Renji's eyes widened.

_"An aristocrat…" _He thought, realizing that the hair clamps were a symbol of nobility.

But the most peculiar thing about the man was his spiritual pressure. What kind of being had such power…? Was it possible for one person to have that much pressure, so much that Renji feared he might collapse under it?

_Who _was this man?

_What _was this man?

Renji hadn't the slightest idea.

Rukia, who had been facing the man, turned to look at Renji. Although her face showed no emotion, just like Captain Kuchiki's, her eyes were tantalizingly miserable, like they held a sense of loss.

Everything else seemed like a blur to Renji. He thought he heard someone say something along the lines of, _"We'll give you some time to think about it,"_ The only thing that concerned Renji was the fact that that…_man_ was coming towards him!

He immediately lowered his gaze and stared at his shoes as the Captain passed. His spiritual pressure was so intense…Renji couldn't even bring himself to look at him!

_"R-rukia," _He stammered, finding his lost voice. _"_Who was _that_? They look pretty important," '_Understatement of the century,' _He added silently.

Rukia went on to explain that the people had been members of the Kuchiki clan, a family of nobility. The man with such powerful spiritual pressure was Captain Byakuya Kuchiki, leader of the sixth squad. The Kuchiki clan had offered to take her in as their daughter; Captain Kuchiki's sister, and she would be admitted into one of the Thirteen Companies without even passing her graduation exam.

Renji felt as if someone had bashed him on the head with something very heavy. Rukia… his best friend, the last living member of their makeshift family… was now nobility. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

"That's great!" He exclaimed through a fake smile. "I can't believe your luck! I'm so jealous I can't stand it!" He went on to exclaim how wonderful her new life as a noble would be, whilst inwardly kicking and screaming in protest, demanding her to stay.

Rukia gazed up at him through deeply saddened eyes. She listened to his rambling without a single change in expression. When he was finally finished ranting she nodded ever so slightly.

_"I see. Thank you…Renji,"_

She turned slightly and walked past him, her head lowered in poignant fashion. She took off at a slow run down the dim hallway, her footsteps echoing off the walls. Renji watched her retreating back, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. For the briefest of moments, he could have sworn he saw a single tear slide down her cheek.

Renji stood with a blank expression, staring listlessly at the spot where Rukia had vanished.

So… Rukia finally had a family. Not a ragtag bunch of children searching for scraps on the street, but an_ actual_ family. Not like him. He was, and always had been a stray dog. No home. No family to call his own. A ripple of jealousy coursed through Renji, but more prominent than that was an overwhelming sense of loss. What would he do without Rukia always by his side? Would he ever see her again? Renji had grown closer to the girl than he cared to admit. He gave his head another hard shake.

_"Don't get in the way," _He told himself. _"Rukia's life is finally on the right track, and you would only slow her down. She doesn't need you anymore,"_

As Renji absentmindedly made his way back to his dormitory, his mind wandered about and landed on the mysterious man who had been speaking with Rukia before he had barged in. The one with the vast spiritual pressure.

_"What was his name…? Kuchiki, was it? Byakuya Kuchiki," _He thought. _"What kind of being possesses such spiritual pressure? I couldn't even meet his gaze! Captain, head of the Kuchiki clan…nobility! What chance do I-"_

Renji froze. His eyes widened in sudden realization. Head of the Kuchikis… This man had arranged this! This was his idea! He had stolen Rukia away from him, intentionally! This was his doing, his fault! Renji's clenched fists shook with undisguised fury. His tattooed eyebrows knit tightly together and flames danced in his eyes.

_"Byakuya Kuchiki…" _He whispered through clenched teeth, his voice dripping with unadulterated loathing. _"I will train very hard …and someday, I will become very powerful, even more powerful than you," _A malevolent smile crept across his features._ "And I swear, when that day comes, I will defeat you,"_

_Renji graduated from the Shinigami Academy with top marks in swordsmanship and somewhat unfortunate marks in kido. After joining the 13 Court Guard Squads, he leapt from Fifth to Eleventh Company, and was eventually accepted into Sixth Company, the company led by Byakuya Kuchiki. He hadn't forgotten his vow to one day defeat the man who had stolen the one person he cared about, and trained very hard every day, envisioning the moment when his blade took Byakuya Kuchiki's life. He trained in every spare moment, and became a skilled, powerful shinigami. He rose quickly up the ranks, going from regular shinigami to seated officer, and from seated officer to Vice-Captain. He was one of the most powerful shinigami in the Soul Society, and Captain Byakuya Kuchiki's right-hand man. Things couldn't be more perfect._

"You tell him,"

"No, _you_ tell him!"

"He's _your_ brother, _you_ tell him!"

"He's _your_ Captain!"

Renji and Rukia stood face to face, arguing heatedly. They had been engaged for almost a year, and had done a rather good job of keeping their relationship a secret from the other shinigami. Only a select few people who were close to them knew of their relationship, and even fewer knew of their engagement. The general reaction had been one of surprise, but not disapproval. Ichigo, for example, had been completely wierded out by the idea._ "I didn't know you were even capable of affection!" _He had exclaimed sarcastically to Rukia. She had fixed him with her signature death glare and muttered something that sounded like _"…smartass…tactless…"_

In fact, the only person close to Rukia who didn't seem to have the slightest inkling of what was happening was Byakuya Kuchiki. It was quite unlike him; this had been going on right under his nose and he didn't even glance up. Renji and Rukia had thought long and hard of a way to break the news gently to him, without getting themselves skinned in the process. The promise Renji had made so many years ago at the Soul Academy pulled at the back of his mind whenever he contemplated the matter. They argued over who should be the one to actually tell him, and how they would bring it up. They had toyed with the idea of letting him find out "accidentally", or by Ichigo letting something slip.

_"Well…" _Rukia had said. _"He's going to find out eventually. He'd much rather hear it from us than from rumors on the street,"_

Renji nodded in agreement. _"True, but… which one us will break the news?"_

They had spent the rest of the day in an uncomfortable silence.

Over several weeks, they had tried several methods to deciding who would be the unfortunate soul to 'fess up to Byakuya. They had tried everything, from drawing competitions (Rukia lost) to kido battles (Renji lost) to paper-rock-scissors. Nothing decided a winner. So they resorted to simply arguing it out.

_"You tell him!"_

_"You tell him!"_

_"You have stupid eyebrows!"_

_"Your drawing sucks!"_

_"Pineapple head!"_

_"Bunny freak!"_

_"FINE!"_ Rukia shouted, her voice reverberating off the walls. "We'll just go in his office and whoever's got the most gall will say it first!"

Renji's face was flushed from shouting. He caught his breath and muttered, "How d'you even know he's in the office today?"

Rukia smirked inwardly. She knew something Renji didn't. "He mentioned something about being busy with paperwork all day," She said cheekily. "It's a perfect opportunity,"

Renji groaned. _"Not another battle of the wits…" _He thought.

Several minutes later, the two found themselves directly outside the Captain's office, the white sliding door the only thing separating them from Byakuya's wrath. A kind of tension filled the air; an odd mixture of awe and dread. And awkward silence ensued.

"S-so," Rukia stammered, trying to ease the tension. "T-this is it," She flashed Renji a fake grin that looked more like a grimace.

Renji tried- and failed- to swallow the lump in his throat, suppressing the urge to vomit. _"Yup," _Was all he could manage. He wasn't going to let Rukia see how frightened he was, and he _certainly_ wasn't about to let Captain Kuchiki see it, either.

And thus, swallowing the last bit of courage he had left, he raised his trembling hand and rapped his knuckles on the door.

"Captain Kuchiki?" Renji called somewhat hesitantly. "It's Vice Captain Abarai. T-there's something important you need to know,"

No answer. There was an awkward pause, which Renji broke by knocking again and calling a little louder "Captain Kuchiki?"

"Nii-sama?" Rukia called. "It's me, Rukia. Renji and I have something very important to tell you,"

Silence. Renji and Rukia exchanged raised eyebrows.

"You sure he's in there?" Renji whispered.

"Positive," Rukia murmured in reply. "He said he'd be in there working all day," Her eyes widened. "You don't think he's so busy that he'd ignore us, do you?"

"Maybe," Renji said, not really paying attention. What could Byakuya possibly be doing that was so important he'd ignore an urgent call from his Vice Captain?

Rukia pounded on the door with her fist, the series of loud _'thump'_s impossible to ignore. "Nii-sama!" She shouted. "This is an urgent matter that requires your attention right away!" Her voice reverberated off the walls.

Silence. Not a _"Come in,"_, or an _"I'll be with you in a moment,"_ or even the rustling sound of someone moving inside. Nothing. For several tense moments, the couple stood there in a battle stance, as if expecting the Captain to leap out from the shadows and devour them.

"Rukia," Renji said reasonably. "You must have been mistaken. He's not in th-"

"No, I know I'm right," She replied, unafraid to contradict her fiancée. "I'm not out of ideas yet." She reached into the interior pocket of her shihakushou and pulled out a small silver object that greatly resembled a computer chip. Renji's eyes widened. He recognized this object immediately. It was a key, identical to the one he had used to unlock Rukia's cell when he had visited her in confinement.

Rukia raised the key to a small slot near the door.

Renji blanched. "Y-you- You're not g-going to-"

"Oh, yes I am," Rukia said without hesitation. She slid the key into the slot. It glowed red for a few seconds, then with a small _'click'_ the key ejected itself and the door cracked open.

Rukia placed her hand on the door and glanced back at Renji. He nodded, encouraging her to proceed. She took a deep breath to calm herself and slid open the door.

Renji peered into the room, hoping against hope that by some bizarre twist of fate, Captain Kuchiki would be absent from his office. As he studied the room, he noticed a figure sitting hunched at the desk, it's back turned towards the door. His last hopes of survival dashed, Renji squared his shoulders and cleared his throat loudly to announce his presence.

"Captain Kuchiki," He started, trying to keep his quivering voice under control. "Rukia and I have something very important to tell y-"

Renji froze. His eyes expanded to the size of saucers, and his voice spluttered and died in his throat. Judging from the slight choking noise coming from somewhere near his elbow, he knew Rukia must be wearing a dumbfounded expression identical to his.

That person…that _thing_ behind the desk! That was not Captain Kuchiki! …Was it? Renji's brain, which had been whirring frantically mere seconds ago, now seemed to be made of cotton.

The figure behind the desk was a plump, undoubtedly feminine person, clad in a bright sundress with a floral pattern. She had iron-colored locks that seemed more like a helmet, due to the overdone perm. She was absorbed in her work; frantically scribbling in a notebook. The person either didn't notice or didn't care that she had visitors.

"Y-you… WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?" Rukia shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the imposter.

The imposter paused, not turning around; not even looking up. A few uneasy second passed, and the woman returned to scribbling. This was the final straw for Rukia.

"WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE'S MY BROTHER?!" She grabbed the woman by her shoulders, and swung her around to face her.

What little equanimity Renji had left, he lost it right then and there, watching it fly happily out the window. He raised a trembling hand, pointing at the woman. His face was twisted into a confounded expression, his mouth gaping open and his left eye twitching. He tried to form words, but all that issued from his lips was an incoherent stream of random curses.

Despite the ludicrous costume, there was no mistaking the person underneath the curly wig and heavy makeup.

"_N-n-nii-sama!?" _Rukia stammered, struggling to find her voice. She immediately released her grip of the disgustingly floral fabric, her hands trembling as he backed away in utter horror.

Byakuya gazed at the two of them over a pence-nez perched on the bridge of his nose. His steely glare flickered from his sister, who had backed into the wall, and his Vice Captain, who was still gaping stupidly, neither moving nor blinking.

Byakuya's eyebrows knit together tightly in a nasty scowl. _"I'm busy," _He seethed; the chill of his voice could have frozen a lake. Even in ridiculous drag, Captain Kuchiki was a formidable man.

"_C-c-captain…" _Renji stuttered at last, trying his absolute best to keep his voice calm. "W-with all due r-respect, sir, w-what _exactly_ are you doing?"

Byakuya stood, facing the couple. Renji noticed that his Captain was obviously wearing some kind of bodysuit under the sundress; said bodysuit was complete with large fake breasts that could give Vice Captain Matsumoto a run for her money. Byakuya narrowed his eyes slightly.

"It's quite unlike you to be so polite, Abarai," He commented emotionlessly, advancing slowly on Renji. "Perhaps you are ill?" He raised his hand toward Renji's face.

"_Me?!"_ Renji exclaimed, ducking under Byakuya's outstretched arm. "I-I'm not the one who's sick, here!" He screeched.

"Nii-sama," Rukia piped up suddenly. She was now leaning over Byakuya's desk, sifting through his assorted collection of "paperwork". "What exactly is _this_?" She held up the notebook he had been scribbling so hurriedly in earlier.

For the fist time in his life, Byakuya seemed to be at a loss for words. "Uh… that- that's just…"

Renji scooted across the room faster than any shunpo could transport him. Glad to be away from Byakuya, curious to see what he had been so hard at work at, he snatched the fistful of papers from Rukia and quickly scanned them over.

Renji puked a little in his mouth at the content of the first page. He quickly flipped to the second, then the third, the fourth, all through the stack. They got more and more disgusting with each page.

He flipped back to the first page, straightened his posture, and began to read aloud.

"_Dear Mrs. Hefflefinger,_

_My boyfriend is very kind, but he always tries to kiss me and is becoming very obsessive. I like him, but I don't want to date him if he keeps smothering me! It doesn't help that we're in the some company. What should I do?_

_-T. Matsuki, 7__th__ Company"_

Renji flipped to another paper and read it. Letters…they were all letters! And they all said similar things…

"_Mrs. Hefflefinger, what's the best way to get a tea stain out of a shihakushou?"_

"_Do you have any suggestions for my Tupperware party, Mrs. Hefflefinger?"_

"_Mrs. Hefflefinger, can baking soda and lemon juice get rid of a hickey?"_

Renji looked up from the paper, wearing an expression fitting to someone who had just bitten into a lemon. _"What is the meaning of this?!" _He shouted, waving the letters hysterically above his head.

Byakuya sighed, crossing his arms over his ample bosom. "Sit," He instructed, pointing to the floor before his desk.

Renji and Rukia did so instantaneously, without question. They watched as Byakuya paced to and fro before them, never tearing their eyes away from him. As Renji watched, he couldn't help but notice how his fake breasts bounced with every step…

"_Ah!" _He gave himself a mental kick, shaking his head. _"C'mon mind, out of the gutter…!"_

Byakuya stopped suddenly, facing the couple with a stony expression, his feet planted apart and his hands behind his back. "Do you know what this is?" He asked, shoving a newspaper under Rukia's nose.

Rukia took the paper, not looking at it. "It's just a newspaper," She said, speaking to her brother as if he were an asylum inmate.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "No, I mean the article," He said with all the emotion of a tree.

Rukia lowered her gaze to the newspaper. Her eyes traveled back and forth across the page, growing wider and wider with each passing second.

"This…" Her voice faltered, her pupils dilated to tiny pinpricks. "This is a… an advice column!" She declared, still reading the article.

His curiosity getting the better of him, Renji leaned over slightly to read over Rukia's shoulder. He couldn't make out the small print, but the headline clearly screamed,

**Ask** **Mrs. Hefflefinger! All Your Problems Solved in a Jiffy!**

"Wait," Renji interrupted. "You're telling me…no way…" He looked up at his Captain, who gazed down at him through his pence-nez. "You're Mrs. Hefflefinger!?"

Byakuya neither confirmed nor denied it; he merely stared at his Vice Captain like he was looking at an impertinent child. Renji barely managed to stifle a howl of laughter, his face turning a lovely crimson shade that matched his hair.

Rukia looked from her brother to her fiancée, her eyebrows meeting in the middle to form a 'V'. "Is this true, Nii-sama?" She said loudly. "Do you write the advice column for the local newspaper?"

At this Renji couldn't contain himself and longer, and let out a high-pitched scream of mirth. He doubled over on the floor, his shoulders quaking in hilarity. Byakuya watched him as if he were a mildly entertaining T.V. sitcom. (A/N: Even though there are no televisions in the Soul Society. XD)

"_O-of course!" _Renji gasped, scarcely able to breathe, let alone talk. _"Why else would he be wearing such a ridiculous costume?!" _He fell back into gales of laughter, earning himself a scandalized look from Rukia and cold one from Byakuya.

"Yes," Byakuya said vaguely. "Yes, this is true,"

The only sound in the room was Renji's snickering. Rukia gave him a (hopefully unnoticed) kick in the shin.

"So…" Rukia inquired, trying to sound casual. "What's with the outfit?"

Byakuya turned his back on the couple, gazing firmly out the window of his office. If he hadn't been wearing such absurd clothing, he would have looked quite imposing.

"I find that I write much more freely, much more openly, to my readers," He waved a careless hand in the direction of the newspaper. "When I am in costume. If I look like Mrs. Hefflefinger, then certainly I can act like her; and give these people good advice they can count on and take with them. In short," He said, turning around suddenly, his flowery dress swirling about his knees. "I can't contribute to the advice column without it,"

Rukia nodded listlessly, his words still sinking in. Renji shut his eyes tightly, the image of his Captain's unshaven legs burned into his retinas.

"So," Byakuya continued calmly, sitting down at his desk and pulling off the gray wig. "Am I correct in assuming that the two of you have something of utmost importance to tell me?"

Rukia and Renji gasped in unison. In the midst of this startling discovery, they had both forgotten why they were here in the first place! They exchanged uneasy glances.

"Um…"

"Well, you see…"

"Yes?" Byakuya inquired, rummaging in his desk for his **kenseikan**.

Renji took a rattling breath. "Well, Captain… you see, uh…" He gazed at the floor, painfully aware of the fact that Byakuya's gray, steely eyes were fixed on him. "Rukia and I…we, uh…we…"

"WE'VEBEENENGAGEDFORALMOSTAYEAR!" Rukia shouted.

There was a very tense silence. Rukia was breathing heavily, and Byakuya stood frozen, almost unearthly so. Renji winced and prepared himself for the death blow.

"So… your point is…?"

Renji looked up, hardly daring to believe his luck. "You…you're not… you're not going to…"

"Hang us with our own entrails?" Rukia finished for him.

Byakuya smiled. A very small, adamant smile, but a smile nonetheless. He nodded and said, "The two of you are closer than most people could imagine. It would be foolish of me to assume something like this woulsn't happen eventually,"

Rukia breathed a sigh of relief. "So… you're _not_ upset that you're going to be related to Renji?"

Renji's eye twitched.

After several minutes of petty chitchat about engagements and whatnot, (mainly between Rukia and Byakuya.) Rukia rose from her spot and announced that is was time for her departure. Renji scrambled after her, not daring to meet his captain's gaze.

As she was sliding the door shut behind her, a devious smirk spread across Rukia's features. She turned and, looking her brother dead in the eye, said, "Make sure you write something about wedding plans in the next issue,"

Renji's left eye twitched. He tried to flash his future brother-in-law a smile (but only succeeded in looking constipated) as he closed the door behind him.

* * *

**Here it is, my Thanksgiving gift to all my readers, because I'm thankful to have such a wonderful group of people cheering me on and encouraging me with my writing! I love you all, my dearies! Thanks for reading, and please, PLEASE review, flames welcomed. **

**Purrs,**

**Frenchie**

* * *


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